Daddy, I Love You
by MoonlitxAngel
Summary: Everything came crashing down and crumbling apart the day that you died. I guess in the back of my mind you were... invincible. A super hero that was able to stand up to anything or anyone. But then you died and you were gone and I was so lost... / A letter from Chloe to William to get the way she feels out.


_**Daddy, I Love You**_

Everything came crashing down and crumbling apart the day that you died. I guess in the back of my mind you were... invincible. A super hero that was able to stand up to anything or anyone. But then you died and you were gone and I was so lost... I was **so** lost... I guess somewhere deep inside of me I had blamed Mom for everything... If only she hadn't called to be picked up. If only she hadn't, then you would still be here.

If only...

Then Max left and never contacted me again. I know she was probably dealing with her own shit (sorry, but I cuss now so you gotta deal with it) after everything, but I just needed my best friend. But I was too chicken to make the first move, and I guess so was she. So I lost her. And the nightmares... Oh the nightmares. They tore me apart inside. Watching you die over and over again, hearing all this weird advice and things I wish you had said. Or things you could have said if you were still around... Damn do I miss you, Dad...

You wouldn't be happy with who I've become, I know that. I guess in a way it was my way of saying "fuck you" for dying. Turning into this was your punishment and my escape. If I became somebody completely different from who I was when you were alive, then maybe – just maybe – it would hurt a little less. Because then I wouldn't be the me who adored you so much. I would be someone different. Someone who didn't have her dad in her life. I know that pushing you and your memory away like that was wrong, Dad. I've only just now really come to terms with the fact that I even did it. I guess it was my mind's way of trying to protect me from the pain? I dunno...

And then everyone started moving on. Mom met David, Max **still** wasn't talking to me, and I had no interest or motivation to do the things I used to love. I just couldn't cope anymore. So I turned to drugs. Alcohol. More things to further myself away from you, too. Not that old Chloe hadn't tried alcohol – there's a stain on the carpet to prove it! – but the old Chloe wouldn't have gotten so drunk she couldn't see straight. The old Chloe wouldn't have gotten so high that all she wanted to do was lie in bed and do nothing. The old Chloe had passion and drive! She loved drawing and skateboarding and playing pirates! She had such a big imagination... I miss her some days. But I don't think I can ever go back to being her either, and that's the saddest part. Because I want to. I want to be who I used to be. I want to be carefree and-

That was getting too long, huh? But I do want to be all those things and more. I mean, okay, I pretend to be carefree, but really? I'm still using weed and alcohol to mask the pain that I'm in. Things were spiraling downwards in my life, but then I met Rachel and she turned everything right side up again. Maybe a little crooked, but at least my world wasn't spinning anymore. I tell this to everyone, but she was my angel, Dad... In my darkest time, she brought light back into my world. I could see the future again. I could see myself being... almost. Almost being happy again. I could see it and I reached for it with all my might, Dad, I really did...

But that was ripped away from me, too. We had a good few years together, but she was ripped away from me just like everyone else! And I couldn't deal again. I started going into that dark place again, and it freaked me out because I couldn't go back there again. I didn't want to. I had had a glimpse at what a truly happy future could be like and I wanted it. She **made** me want it, but then she was gone. I suffered for a few months. Mom didn't know what to do with me. She had **tried** counseling, but me in my rebellion wouldn't commit to it. Plus, who wants some stranger analyzing their life anyway? I sure as heck don't. No siree.

Anyway.

Honestly, I don't think I would be alive today if it weren't for the fact that Max came back to Arcadia Bay. After five long years, the little photography hipster returned. And Dad? It was like she never even left. I was so mad when I saw her (and I had fully intended to chew her out and get answers), but she wormed her way right back in. We fell back into pace so easily, I could almost feel like old Chloe was even just a little in reach. And that was okay, because a little old Chloe is better than none at all.

She grew up, Dad. Gone is that tight ponytail (good for yanking as it was!) and here is this short, just almost shoulder length hair. She's still awkward as ever, but at least she was able to make other friends that weren't just me. And she's still so innocent, Dad. I feel like I might corrupt her a little. But that's okay, because Max could use a little punk in her. And for the first time in a long time, she made me feel comfortable just being me. With Rachel... I guess I always felt like I had to be strong for her, because she never really got to have a moment where she could be weak. Her dad's the DA, so she had to have this image that she had to maintain. She lost herself in it...

Nowadays, I'm pretty sure that Rachel was never even really able to be her true self in front of anyone. She was **always** "on" as an actress. She was always putting on a show, being the best version of herself for whoever she was with at the time. Rachel lost who Rachel was and became whoever she needed to be at the time. Like a chameleon. That's what also ended up refreshing about Max. Max is Max and nobody is gonna change her. … Well, okay. I **might** be able to. A little. We'll see.

But y'know? Max and Mom, they said that maybe if I wrote my feelings out that I would feel better, and I do. … I actually do feel better. It's... Oh how do you spell that word? C-a-t-h-a-r-t-i-c? I think that's it. Cathartic. No red squiggly line, so I guess I'm right.

Now that it's all in one place, I actually realized something just now. I rely on others for my own happiness. Growing up, I relied on you and Max. You guys made me the happiest kid growing up. Then you both were gone. I wasn't okay, but then Rachel showed up and I was happy again. You get the idea, because all the stuff before. Maybe there's a way that I can work on that? I mean, I can't rely on Max forever to make me happy. I can't rely on you or Rachel or Mom or anyone else. I need to find my own happiness.

… I guess maybe I should talk to a counselor... Maybe they (if I can even trust them) can help me sort through all of this stuff and work out how to be happy by myself. I'll at least express the idea to Max. Mom would be absolutely **thrilled** if I went, I know. 'Cause what if – and **please PLEASE** universe don't you dare do this now – but what if Max does leave one day? I don't want to go back to being depressed Chloe who finds no joy in life. I really don't.

But Dad? Thank you. Thank you for always being there for me when you could. And for raising me right and helping me and supporting my interests. Thank you for everything that you did for Mom.

Daddy, I love you. And I always will.


End file.
